“What happened!?” Dave said as he ran towards the kitchen, though the better question—and the one implied by his facial expression—upon seeing flames exploding from the toaster oven, might have been, “How the ##@ did you let this happen?” We could still make out the shape of the eight hard tacos, each cupped within the other, burning in effigy. It was fairly obvious what had happened. Caroline ran up to her room in search of her two favorite stuffed animals, screaming “I CAN’T FIND BLUE BEAR! I CAN’T FIND BLUE BEAR!” on her way back down. I could see her in my periphery, dancing like a boxer in a ring. Dave unplugged the toaster; I passed him a bag of flour and he doused much of the fire in seconds. As soon as possible, armored with hand mitts, Dave carried the destroyed toaster to its temporary resting place in our back yard.
I had been dicing tomatoes for Taco Tuesday, my back turned to the toaster. I had been distracted because I was going in the following day for eye surgery.
And of course I was thinking about Oedipus, who blinded himself by gouging his eyes with his mother’s brooch. I was thinking, I suppose I understand why he did that, but how could he have done that? And then I was thinking, but wait, I’m choosing to go in tomorrow so that someone whom I’ve met only twice can shoot lasers at both of my eyes. And I’m actually going to spend money in order for this to happen.
As it turned out, the most worrisome part of the day was the three-hour wait for a sixty-second procedure. The most disturbing part of the day was that I had to watch a Ricki Lake violent crimes episode while I was waiting. I was thinking, rather than the faces of my children, what if these were the last faces I would ever see. These will be my final images before I go blind or possibly die, according to the paperwork I had just signed. At the very least, I was wishing for Out of Africa or something else cinematically breathtaking to appear onto the big screen in front of me.
Valium arrived like a holiday.
And then a nice doctor shot lasers at both of my eyes.
It felt as if I were in a rocket or a racecar, my head back and strapped. There was machinery noise. My vision grayed and blackened while my eyes remained open and then reappeared to a pulsing red light. All the while, the doctor’s confident, calm voice talked me through from somewhere beyond me.
The girls were with me for several of the follow-up appointments because Dave had to drive: I wore sunglasses even inside and could faintly make out Caroline’s smile as she carried on about her “Twizzler phase” and the streak of pink hair on Lexi’s mermaid Barbie doll, Merliah. Lexi warned Dave not to hug me or he’d get “the eye.” She was two-weeks deep into her dinosaur unit at the time, but for Show and Tell that Friday, she planned to bring Merliah.
I would have brought my eye doctor.
Not only had she helped me regain my vision, but she kept telling me to “rest” and “take it easy.” After my contact bandages were removed, I was to go home and nap for four to five hours. It was luxury. And then it just became silly. I couldn’t read or write. I listened to one movie on the television. But mainly, I tuned into podcasts on Pandora–I discovered “The Dinner Party” from American Public Media, developed a crush on the handsome, humorous voices of the two hosts, Rico Gagliano and Brendan Newnam. I anticipated the segments—the “cocktails” that guest bartenders create to match a moment in history, the “eavesdrop” spot when writers read from their latest works, the celebrity visits. These are Dinner Parties I aspire to attend, I thought as I continued to lounge in my Christmas tree flannel pjs, dreaming of the future—parties without mini tater tots. We would converse; we would listen, we would enlighten.
I couldn’t read or write, but wickedly, I could clean. I was mid-way through Day Three of imposed rest, having just scrubbed every bathroom and washed and folded every shred of laundry. Girls’ closets had been rearranged by color. Kitchen Tupperware was on-deck but I decided to again rest my eyes, so I tuned into a podcast from LA Public Radio.
An essayist, Daniel Mendelshon, was reading a piece he’d written from his collection, The Ecstasy of Influence. I thought I might pick up some modern day tips, but his focus was on the Greeks, and the misconception that once someone like Sophocles had written a play, it remained unchanged and untouched, set in stone like the playwright’s bust set in marble at the Musei Capitolini. In reality, read Mendelshon, even back then, storytellers tampered with other storytellers’ stories.
And one of his examples was the Oedipus tale.
I was obviously beyond stir-crazy, because when I heard Oedipus, it was like getting a phone call from an old friend. I said excitedly through the imaginary phone line, “I was JUST thinking about you, Oedipus!”
I listened more and heard this—Sophocles’ Oedipus violently blinds himself (this I knew), but only twenty years later, Euripides writes of an Oedipus who loses his sight through injury rather than self-infliction (this I probably should have known). Euripides tweaked the story and made Sophocles’ tragedy a little less tragic.
And for reasons as unclear as my eyesight, this anecdote made me feel better.
Please, don’t get me wrong. There is nothing tragic about affording the time and cost of eye surgery. My point is that self-imposed temporary blindness has temporarily provided me with a new perspective.
I am a worrier by nature, and especially in the dead of winter, though there are moments of clarity, for me there is mainly blur. So I am attaching myself to this word, “adapt,” this notion that our stories will shift and alter. I am attaching myself to a Life Less Tragic.
My eyesight is improving, doing so in the smallest of increments—but I can see—and what an unveiling it has been: the crisp red cheeks of my daughters just home from the first sled of the season, the flash of a cardinal, the punch of a green street-sign I was never before able to read outside of my bedroom window . . . which brings to mind the final lines of one of my favorite James Joyce stories, one, by the way, that features a most famous literary Dinner Party.
Allow me to adapt:
A few light taps upon the pane made me turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. I watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. Yes, Patch.com was right: snow was general all over Annapolis. It was falling on every part of the treeless hills, falling softly, softly falling, faintly falling too, upon the hill where the abandoned toaster lay.